Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
