I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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