I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
