it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
