Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
