Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
