just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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