my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
