Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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