She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
