K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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