please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
