nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
