Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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