I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
