google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
tonight lets celebrate not being married
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
