I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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