I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
