Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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