Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
