u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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