1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize