i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
