I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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