I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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