she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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