What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
