Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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