so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
