so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
