It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
