I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
