he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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