i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
