If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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