dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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