Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
