One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
