So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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