Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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