So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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