i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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