I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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