the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
