i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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