Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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