I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
