I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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