He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
