I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
