ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
