i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
