I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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