She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
