exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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