walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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