So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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