You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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