alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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