I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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