apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
