If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
